About Lousy Movie Seating Policies and the Kindness of Strangers

This past weekend I joined a big group of my friends to go and see Avengers: Age of Ultron as a birthday event. IMAX 3D in my area is reserved seating when you buy your ticket. My friends mentioned which seats they had and we’re a pretty big group so everyone buys their own tickets. We’re booking in advance, so it should be pretty easy right?

Here’s the issue: When reserving tickets online, Cineplex will not allow you to reserve a seat if you’d be leaving a single seat in the row. So if B17 is taken, seat B18 and B19 are free, and B20 is taken as well, you cannot book just B18. I could generally understand this policy, but as a single person, this blows. If I want to go and see movies with my friends who are a couple (which is pretty damned common when you’re 28), you either have to either:

A) Have them pay for your ticket and you pay them back
B) You buy all 3 and have them pay you back
C) Have your friends pick a spot in the theater that has loads of space beside them and pray that another couple doesn’t pick a spot too close to them before you’re able to buy your ticket.

So my group books their tickets and there are 3 spots left in the row next to them. My friend goes to book two of them, but is rejected because that would leave 1 seat on it’s own. So she ends up having to book in a different row away from my friends. Unaware of her booking issues, I go to book next. Two spots remaining next to my group. I’m single, just booking for myself, but want to be near my friends. Nope, can’t leave a single seat available. Well, damn it. I end up having to book a seat down the row from them, completely separated. I checked shortly before the movie and the two seats next to my friends are still free, so before the movie starts I sit next to my friends praying no one actually booked those spots. Turns out I am not that lucky, as the usher comes over with two gentlemen who had bought those tickets. I’m not a jerk (or at least like to think I’m not), apologize, and move to the spot I’d reserved, between a bunch of random strangers.

Well, that sucked. If I’m seeing a movie on my own I don’t mind sitting next to random people, but being separated from a group I’d gone with suddenly feels pretty lonely. But the kindness of strangers keeps surprising me.

The two gentlemen who sat next to my group were very apologetic, even though they’d done nothing wrong. I was in their seat. Upon realizing what had happened when they saw I was separated from my group, they asked the people between them and me if they’d consider moving into my spot, so everyone could slide down one seat so that I could sit next to my friends. The folks in between us were really hesitant, but they argued my case for me without my having said a word.

I know being moved away from my friends isn’t the end of the world, but those two guys really made my day.

So I guess the moral of the story is this: Cineplex, your IMAX seating policy blows for single people, and people are awesome.

Tales from the Hivemind: 5 Fun Things I’ve noticed

More and more I’m finding new things after my surgery. Either new perspectives on things, strange quirks associated with surgery, and just post-headache life in general. I thought I’d share a few about differences between pre and post headache life.

1. My alcohol tolerance has gone to complete crap

This one makes the least sense to me. I’d been on Hydromorphone and Hydromorphcotin daily for 2 years, and built up a tolerance to it over time to the point that on my minimal dose, I could actually have a bit of alcohol with it. I’m going to add a disclaimer here: There are tons, and I mean TONS, of reasons to not drink while on meds. Don’t do what Donna does. Seriously. Listen to your doctors folks.

Now that I’m drug free, for some ungodly reason, a single beer makes me unreasonably tipsy. How does this even make sense? Alcohol and narcotics are supposed to wreck you, but remove narcotics from the equation and my body decides it’s instantly happy hour. I have this mental image of my liver and kidneys saying: “Hey, thanks for making us stop processing all those drugs! To celebrate, let’s take the day off and just let that liquor right into your blood stream!”

2. Your scars aren’t as noticeable as you think they are.

When you get a scar, it’s the most noticeable thing in the world to you. Like a shining beacon of light that, no matter how much covering up you do, will be the first thing anyone sees about you. I was never concerned about the cosmetic side of things in regards to the surgery. I knew I’d have scars, bumps, and all the rest, but they were always prominent to me, so I braced for the questions about it.

The lack of people not noticing any change, in my mind, was absolutely hilarious. Sure, some of it can be chalked up to being polite and not saying anything. My more honest (and blunt) friends would sometimes make a comment about that “giant zit” on my forehead. I can now chalk up some of people staring at my chest as looking at my scar, but aside from that, it became obvious that they were not as prominent as I thought they were. I’m sure come bikini season it will be more apparent since you’ll be able to see a perfect rectangle above my chest. But honestly, many people didn’t even notice when I shaved half my head. Literally, 60% of my hair shaved down, and people actually mentioned that they didn’t notice the change. So if anyone reading this is going to be going through surgery, remember that however big you think your scars are, they are significantly less noticeable than you probably think they are.

3. Head rubs are amazing

Ever gone for a head massage? If you haven’t, you seriously need to try it. One amazing thing that has happened post op is when my head was shaved, suddenly people wanted to play with it. Which means head rubs. Best. Side Effect. Ever.

4. My sweet tooth has apparently fallen out of my head.

I’ve heard people make the argument saying that if you stay away from sweets long enough, you’ll stop craving them. I’ve also heard people call this complete bullshit.

Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know if there is any kind of science behind it. What I can tell you is that after 2.5 years of no sweets outside of things pumped full of sugar alcohols, super sweet things are never high up on my craving list. Do I still enjoy sweet things? Sure, a bit. Special occasion, in small doses. However there are things I don’t think I’ll ever go back to. Coke tastes like syrup. Given the option of dessert, I’ll take another glass of wine (and promptly fall over thanks to my new found intolerance).

5. A large portion of the population can be freaked out by things under your skin.

Before I start, I’m going to point back to #2 on this list and say once again that most people don’t notice anything different. Now to add the amendment “unless you point it out”.

Don’t want to gross people out? Don’t draw attention to it. Want to cause someone’s skin to crawl? Move something under the skin and watch them flip the hell out.

So far I’ve made my Mom recoil in terror by having her touch a wire and telling her what it is. I’ve watched a group of grown men squirm in their seats as they watched a video where I pushed on my forehead lead. Former coworkers having to look away, unable to watch as my battery pack moves.

I have to admit, I have a lot of fun with it. I take a great, evil pleasure out of watching people squirm. I guess the only real drawback would be having to add “Can’t be freaked out by things under my skin” to a list of qualities I’d look for in a potential mate, otherwise dating is going to get really awkward, really fast.

Tales from the Hivemind – Post Op Life

I’m 4 weeks post op now, and despite my reassurances, people still don’t seem to believe I’m alive and well. I figure what better way to prove I’m adapting to life as a cyborg than a video. So here’s my first attempt at a video blog, to prove both I survived and have managed to maintain some degree of humanity.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UhcQkBVAcsM

**Update: God damn it YouTube, why do you give me the option of changing the thumbnail, but not actually change it? Well, you’re all stuck with a thumbnail that looks like I’m about to sneeze. Enjoy.

Going Borg Part 4: Enter the Hivemind

I think I officially have enough drugs out of my system to be able to write a coherent post, so here we go! I guess a good place to start would be the day of surgery.

Tuesday Jan 13th 2015, I officially connected to the hivemind and became a cyborg. I’d known that odds were I was going to be in for surgery this month, and that it would be on short notice, but I’ll admit I was shocked when I got a whole whopping 4 days notice that I was going under the knife. It took some last minute scrambling to get everything covered (much thanks to my awesome partners for picking up for me while I was out). This being my third surgery in under a year, getting checked in and set up felt like routine. This time around however, I feel like I knew less about what was going to happen. In pre-op for my past surgeries I’d met the anesthesiologist who would actually be working on me, but this time around it was someone else just taking notes. No one could really answer my questions like “Will I be awake?” or “How long is the operation?” or even “What’s the recovery time?”. Going in with less knowledge that before was a little less comfortable, but I have a lot of faith in my surgeon, so nerves weren’t an issues (Get it? See what I did there? Because I have nerve damage! *womp womp*).

Sitting the in the hallway outside the OR with only minutes left before going in, you meet your entire OR team. I had a lot of residents this time around, so I got a lot of repeat questions as they practice what to ask. It’s pretty funny to see actually, and I like being able to be a prop in their education process. Even with 2 reps from each of the 3 different divisions coming out to talk to me, I still didn’t know what the plan was until I was on the table. 4 hours of surgery, no I would not be awake, they’re going to put a big tube down my throat, and because I was going to be completely out I was going to have to stay in a bit longer than I had in the past but would still go home that night.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery 4 hours later. It’s a funny thing when you wake up after being completely out. It starts off with a “Wait, where am I?”, followed by a “Right, I had surgery!” quickly turning to “Weee the world is spinning”. Drugs are an wonderful thing. I felt nothing and never would have even guessed I had surgery. I didn’t realize the amazing pony tail they’d put my hair in until shortly before I left. I have an awesome surgeon, but a hairdresser he is not. I was combing it out with my fingers while a nurse was checking out my info when suddenly huge, long chunks of hair starting coming out in my hands. My first reaction (still a little hazy) was “What the hell!?”. The nurse turned to me looking sympathetic asking if hair loss was a part of my treatment. I looked back up to her and said “God I hope not, I’m just in here for a headache!”. She looked really shocked for a second until I laughed and told her it’s likely left over from the extra hair my surgeon probably had to shave off. Sorry nurse lady, that was just too funny to pass up.

So with my new device programmed, and another few hours in recovery I was shipped off and home by 7 where I was met by friends, delicious gluten filled pizza, and movies I could handle with approximately 40% of my usual attention span.

I was too drugged up to fight this

Mom really does love her selfies

Enter the morning after. Now THAT’S where you feel it. The doctors gave me a warning that might happen and had given me drugs for the post op pain and swelling. The side effects there are not very fun, so I ended up asleep for almost 3 days straight.

So after 3 days of fitful sleep and trying to remember to not roll over onto the right side of my head, I was conscious enough to rejoin society in my new technologically evolved form. It’s been tough, slow going for a while, and it wasn’t until today (about 6 days after surgery) that I was really clear headed again. The bandages came off yesterday and I can finally see what was actually done. For the squeamish, you might want to stop here.

I call this one the "Tijuana Boob Job"

I call this one the “Tijuana Boob Job”

Sutures in the front, staples in the back.

Sutures in the front, staples in the back.

This one I think is very Bride of Frankenstein

This one I think is very Bride of Frankenstein

I’ll give a rundown of what you’re seeing here. The slice on my chest is the battery pack they installed. This is a little less deep than I was expecting, so I will have a visible bump there from now on. From there are the wires going up my neck, one to the back of my head, the other to the front. I can actually feel it in my neck when I move my head around, but  I imagine that will be less so with time. The slices along the side and toward the back of my head are from running the wires.

Not seen in these photos is that on my forehead you can actually see the lead. I’ve been told it looks like a big pimple, which I can kind of see. I’m hoping that some of it is still swelling, but I believe it will still be visible even when all the swelling is done. It’s over further than my previous surgeries, which I find is a detriment because the placement doesn’t cover as much of the pain as it did before. This is something I’ll bring up with my doctor when I have my follow up with him.

So how’s it working? Pretty well actually! I’m at about a 75% pain reduction at the moment with the interval setting on my device. What that means is that the current is on for 25 seconds, off for 15. Because many people report that they eventually build a tolerance to this treatment, this might help extend the amount of time I get relief, as well as save battery life. I have the ability to change it to constantly on for days when the pain is bad (rock concerts, eating sugary stuff, etc). I will still have some of my dietary restrictions, but I no longer have to live with a constant worry of accidentally eating something that will knock me out for 3 days. Now something might give me a minor headache, much like a normal person prone to headaches would have. I’ve been off drugs for a few days now, save for the post-op meds to help when I sleep, and the feeling is amazing. I love not having to take the high end narcotics anymore, and it’s giving me tons of energy, which, when you’re told you’re not allowed to do physical things during recovery can be frustrating. Given how good I’ve been feeling, I have to keep remind myself “No, you probably shouldn’t go learn how to snowboard this weekend”. I still haven’t regained feeling in a lot of places on the right side of my head, but I imagine that will come back as swelling continues to come down. But aside from that, and a bit of pain when I move my head around, I feel almost back to normal. Well, at least on a physical level.

The sutures all come out in a few days, but the response to my now visible scars has been mixed. I get everything from “That’s awesome! You look like a Mad Max character!” to “Just looking at it makes my stomach turn”. I’ve taken to wearing a hat in the mean time to avoid making small children cry. I’m missing about 60% of my hair with the additional bits he’s taken off in this most recent surgery, and once I’m a little better healed I’ll talk to a hairdresser about my options. I’d be lying if I was said I wasn’t tempted to just shave the rest of it off. I’m thankful we did this in the winter, since no one really thinks twice about seeing someone in a toque in Canada, even in the office.

Toques: Office approved attire in Canada (Bonus points if you spot the lead!)

Toques: Office approved attire in Canada
(Bonus points if you spot the lead!)

So long story short, I still have at least a few more weeks of recovering to do, some cosmetic items that should clear up over time, and a bright outlook on how life looks going forward. Now that the conversion is complete, I guess I have to retire the “Going Borg” mantle. Expect to see updates on things as they pop up, like my surely inevitable detainment by the TSA, in “Tales from the Hivemind” going forward 🙂

Thanks to everyone who’s been supporting me through all of this! If anyone has any questions, or stubbled onto this post when looking up headache treatments, feel free to reach out to me. I’m happy to answer any questions people might have 🙂

Kanata Spotlight – The Smart Community

As a kid I’d always known Kanata as a big family area. Loads of single detached homes in mature communities. With how big the Kanata North Technology Park has gotten over the years I really shouldn’t be surprised that Kanata would draw developers with an idea of a “Smart Community”. What did surprise me was when it came to Kanata South.

At first I had no idea what a smart community meant. “Smart” was generally an adjective I’d seen on food wrappers in an attempt to make them seem healthy. So when the project started, originally SohoWest, later renamed Trailwest, I was curious.

The idea was to build townhomes with a focus on tech savvy young professionals. To draw in the crowd they wanted, Trailwest offered options not commonly seen outside of custom builders. Each home comes wired up with 2 Ethernet ports per room (except bathrooms. Sadly you’ll have to use wifi on the john), all wired up to a patch panel in the basement with a UPS. It also has fiber to the door, meaning you get some excellent options if you require above average Internet speeds. When the project was under development they also offered tech based upgrades including everything from built in speaker systems to controlling your window blinds on any iDevice.

What also drew the crowds was the price. Many of the homes start at  1200 square feet and go up from there, all with garages, and it’s in the range of first time home buyers. The area surrounding the neighborhood has started to develop like wildfire, and the more it grows the more we’re seeing a positive impact on home values. Being very close to the existing Superstore and Eagleson Plaza already helped, but the new Smart Center (noticing a trend here?) which features a Walmart Superstore, CIBC, and various smaller retailers has really begun to make the community desirable to those who want to be close to amenities. Pretty much the only thing we’re missing at this point is a pub. I still have my fingers crossed for one in phase 2 of the Smart Center.

So how did they do in their target demographics? Actually pretty well. As of October 2014 48% of population was between 20 and 44 years old, a majority of which are married. We also see that the neighborhood is primarily white collar jobs, with an average household income of $121,000/year.

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The neighborhood is also quite popular with young families just starting out. This is primarily due to the price point, and easy access to schools including 3 K1-6 elementary schools, 1 middle school, and two high schools, covering needs like catholic education, french immersion and special education.

In 2014 home prices have been between $297,000 and $422,000 with an average home price of around $350,000 for homes with between 2-4 bedrooms and minimum 2 bathrooms (because lets face it, having more than 1 bathroom to a family is pretty much a necessity these days).

If townhomes, tech and amenities are what you’re looking for, Trailwest might be a good fit. If you’re looking for the big house, 2 car garage and massive lawn, stay tuned for some of my other spotlights.

Trying something new

So far most of the stuff I’ve written about here has been focused on techy or geeky sides of my life. Everything from wires sticking out of my head to video game reviews, and rants about my industry from a technology perspective.

I want to start blending in another aspect of my life, which is Kanata. I live here, I work here, and I’ve gotten to know it well over the years. So among my other posts, don’t be surprised if you come across neighborhood information from the perspective of someone living in Kanata.

Going Borg Part 3: Seven of Nine Style

This week has been another spent as a cyborg, but not in the way I’d mentioned in my previous post.

When I had my last stimulator installed they told me that there wasn’t anything they could do for the front of my head where 70% of my pain is. Turns out my amazing surgeon did his homework, and this week I got a supraorbital installation of the stimulator. What does that mean? It means this week they wired my eyebrow like a Christmas tree.

image

This procedure was very similar to the last one. Same type of device and setup, just a new location. This surgery had a few drawbacks.

First was I had to be awake for the entire procedure. I only call this a drawback because of the fact that I could feel almost everything, since they can’t do a lot of freezing in order to know where to place things. At one point I couldn’t help but chuckle. I felt the surgeon pull my eyebrow up and didn’t think anything of it (I’m completely draped and couldn’t see anything). It wasn’t until I heard him ask “Uh, Donna, are you lifting your eyebrow?” that I realized that neither of us were moving my eyebrow. Turns out if the leads move out of place it can leave you looking a little shocked.

The second drawback was post op. I had to deal with a bit of post op swelling, which stung and made it a bit hard to sleep. I’m not usually overly concerned with the cosmetic aspect of things. If it gets rid of this damned headache I’d shave my whole head. What stuck with me though in my sleepy state after surgery was my step-dad ever so lovingly asking me if I’d always have the Klingon brows. Thankfully the cleared up by day 4.

As for pain relief, it’s been incredible! The regular portions of my forehead impacted by the pain are numb when the stimulator is on. The true test was for me to cause a spike in my pain.  Those who know me know that my triggers are widely varied and generally weird. My food triggers include gluten, sugar and soy. So I chose to do spike my pain in a delicious fashion: Hintonburger, onion rings, and a chocolate milkshake. Not going to lie, that hurt, but it hurt for a few reasons.

The first was that the stimulator still can’t reach the top of my head and that is one of my pain points. Usually by increasing the amperage of the device using my remote control I  could expand the field of numbness, however with this location increasing it too high causes a good deal of pain to the eyebrow. I also don’t have anything treating the pain in the back of my head during this trial. The other reason I say it hurt wasn’t because of my head. It’s because I was so eager to eat that I forgot that introducing that much gluten and dairy to a body that has barely had any in 2 years is probably not a good call. My stomach and I were not on talking terms for a while after that.

Despite the fact that my pain levels still went up, it only climbed up to about a 5 of 10, and that’s including post op pain. Usually I’d be blind with pain, spiking to an 8 and being in dire need to drugs. It’s a vast improvement over what I’m like without the installation. Because of the post op incision pain I had a hard time assessing the benefit of the day to day pain, but by day 5 of the trial it was pretty clear that the improvement was significant with about an 80% reduction in pain.

The reactions to my wires were as hilarious as always. Most people seemed to think I’d had my head smashed in. Eventually instead of explaining it to everyone I just told them it was wires and “think seven of nine”. My favorite reaction was when I was coming home from the surgery and the anesthesia made me nauseous. Mom pulled over into a driveway to let me get some air. Unfortunately we were blocking residents from getting in and they looked mildly annoyed. That is until I looked up and they saw blood pouring down my face and I asked them for a Kleenex.

Today is the end of my trial and I went back to the hospital and had my device removed. I managed to get a picture of it this time.

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It didn’t take long for me to start missing the device. Within minutes of it being pulled my headache was back at full force and making me curse the existence of florescent lighting in hospitals.

My surgeon came in and we talked about options. He’s still working on research, and it never ceases to amaze me how much work he does looking for ways to improve and change this procedure.

Leads are out leaving only a small hole. Had some great company at the hospital :)

Leads are out leaving only a small hole. Had some great company at the hospital 🙂

 

The trials are done and we’re on to the final frontier. Next step is a permanent install of both the device in the back of my head, and the eyebrow. The battery will go under my collar bone to avoid too much tugging of wires, and to bury the wires they’re going to have to do interval incisions in my hair along the side of my head, so it looks like I’m keeping the shaved head look for a while.

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There are risks, as with any surgery. Lead migration (with a side effect of clown eyebrows if it hits muscle again), infection, the usual. I’ll have to go back in to have my battery replaced every 3-5 years, and I’m going to have issues with electromagnetic fields and the TSA. But is it worth it?

Hell yes.

Surprise! People say bad stuff on the internet!

The internet is a terrifying and wonderful place. We rely on it daily for decision making more than we’re likely to admit. Is this movie worth watching? Check Rotten Tomatoes and Flixster. Is this product any good? Amazon.com reviews. Should I check out this restaurant? Let’s check Urbanspoon!

So with all of this information on the internet, are you really surprised that people are looking for reviews on you?

Let me give some context to where this rant is coming from. Recently Rankmyagent.com has come online, which is a site for rating real estate agents, and it seems to have a lot of agents either frantic, mad, or just overall scared. Unlike many ratemy*blank* type sites, it’s opt in as opposed to opt out. Your clients can’t add you to the site to write something, they can only review people who have signed up. The most common response I’m seeing online from agents is “Who is going to stop people from writing bad things about me?”

First let me say, the site does have a vetting process for the reviews handled by moderators. This post isn’t about how good or bad they might be at doing just that. This is about one solid fact:

You can’t stop people from saying bad things about you on the internet.

How is this still news to people? Have we not heard enough stories of career ending tweets and viral campaigns to know that people can say whatever they want online, and it can impact you and your business? I’m not saying it’s fair, and I’m not saying it’s going to happen to you. I’m saying that choosing to cover your ears and pretending it isn’t there isn’t going to stop it from happening. And if someone is pissed enough at you to write something bad about you, the fact that you aren’t a member of a review site isn’t going to stop them.

So before you condemn the idea of someone writing reviews about you on the internet, I want you to stop and think for a moment. When people Google your name before using you as an agent, what do you want to be on the front page? The site that your clients have been encouraged to talk about their experience with you, or the angry blogger who is pitching to anyone who will listen that you are, in fact, worse than Hitler?

Your call guys.

The Hazards of Public Social Media Profiles: It’s Gonna Get Weird

Traditionally I hated having a public social media profile. In IT one of the first things I did for each applicant I had to join our team was to search them on facebook. If I could data mine them, how much should I trust them with our security? Being in real estate is a whole different beast. We have to be out there, searchable, and visible. If you can’t be found, you won’t survive in my industry.

Today is one of the days that made me really realize just how much  of a target real estate agents are in social media.

I had someone message me yesterday saying they were moving to Ottawa and wanted help finding a house. We had 3 mutual friends but I couldn’t easily see them on my mobile device. So I ask the usual questions aimed both at collecting info for a client, but also trying to see if this person is legit. “What’s your price range? How many bedrooms and bathrooms? What part of the city? Do you have any specific requirements such as a garage or access to public transit?”

Triggers started popping up. All cash buyer, but had no preference on area, special requirements, or anything beyond price and number of bedrooms. Really strange for a buyer.

Then it takes a turn for the weird. She explained that she sells them and was having a draw.

All I have to do is send her a picture of my feet.

Starting

 

That delay you see where she’s asking if I’m still there? Yeah, that’s the delay caused by alarm bells in my head.

But I think to myself “I’ve seen weirder contests online. It’s unorthodox, but could still be legit. Besides, what do I care if they have a photo of my feet?” I send a picture, and directly begin trying to change the conversation to real estate. We talk houses for a while, then she starts asking if there is a doctor shortage in Ottawa. Ok. I tell her that there is a province-wide shortage of family doctors, but nothing specific to Ottawa. She tells me she lost an ovary to cancer, and needs pap tests every 3 months. I’ll let it slide, it’s a legit concern and probably not intended as an overshare. Then I get this:

wtf

 To directly quote the voice in my head

“Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope” – Donna’s Brain

That message was promptly followed up with questions asking for the name of my family doctor, and if he does my paps for me. 

Nope nope nope nope nope nope

Time to look up those mutual friends! 153 friends, and almost every one of them a real estate agent, all likely adding this person hoping for new business. Even ones with big social media presences, our savvy realtors, wishing them a happy birthday. I call one of the mutual friends who works in my office. Turns out she had a very similar, though significantly less creepy experience. Well that settles it.

While I post this mostly to share in my hilariously disturbing experience of an internet stalker with a foot fetish, there is a moral to the story in all this. If you have a public profile, you will be targeted. You will have random friend requests, and some of them will even seem legit, or you’ll talk yourself into thinking they are because they are offering you business. You may need to be visible, but you need to be safe.

Ask probing questions. Check with mutual friends to see if they know that person. And if it feels wrong DON’T DO IT. Could you imagine if I had obliged the request to see homes? The hazards of meeting this person in a vacant home? The business is not worth the risk.

Well played random foot fetish stalker. You had me going for a bit.

Going Borg Part 2: The Trial Run

I did promise an update and pictures on the cyborg conversion process! I went in for my long-awaited surgery last Monday. It was an 8 month wait, with 2 instances of being rescheduled, but compared to many wait times I hear about I’m certainly not complaining. The admission process was pretty par for the course, with the one modification of having a chat with a representative from the company who makes the nerve simulator device. A lovely woman who came in from Montreal walked me through what to expect during and after the surgery. To summarize:

  • The device would only take 3 hours to install
  • I would be awake for the surgery
  • They would be shaving a portion of my head
  • No getting the dressing wet during the trial (which makes showers and hair washing insanely difficult by the way)
  • After they surgery they would create a program for the device, which can be adjusted with my new nifty remote control

I learned two useful facts during this surgery. One is when they say I’ll be awake, it actually means I just hallucinate. The second is that if there is a chance you’ll hallucination, you should probably avoid going to an anime convention the day before. The mixture of the two makes for some very, very strange dreams.

After what felt like 10 minutes to me, but was in truth 2 hours and 50 minutes later, I was suddenly aware of the doctor asking me if I could feel the nerve stimulation as he tested each pulse. Finding a way to accurately describe the nerve stimulation is difficult. People who have had a TENS machine used in physio will understand. If you haven’t used one before I suppose the most apt description would be the sensation of vibration you get from sitting in one of the massage chairs at the mall, only just for the back of the head. As someone who has been electrocuted several times now, primarily thanks to a stove that I’m 98% sure was actually a poorly designed attempt on my life, it’s actually not at all like that. The sensation takes some getting used to, but actually becomes quite soothing as you adjust. Turning my head would increase or decrease the sensation as the device was pushed in to my head by the motion. One thing I quickly realized is to use the remote to turn down the settings before bed, because if you don’t do it before your head hits the pillow you’re in for quite the jolt.

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The nurse said the line would come off with soap and water. Much scrubbing later I can say this is not the case

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That is iodine smeared all over my face, though it did look pretty damned gross.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovery time was very short and after just 3 hours of chilling in a hospital bed with a good book I was free to go home. The following week was a lot of trial and error as I learned what the limits of my wire length was, finding good settings for different activities, and getting creative in trying to figure out how I was going to keep from looking like a complete greaseball (Hint: Dry shampoo, bathtub balancing acts, and eventually caving and asking my mom to help me wash my hair in her kitchen sink).

Public reaction to the device was very amusing. Some people stared but wouldn’t comment. Others would ask what the bandages were for. Others made guesses such as “Did you get a tattoo?” or assuming I was in an accident “Oh my god, what happened to your head!?”. I even flew to Toronto with the device in, and was amazed at how accommodating airport security was. All they asked was if it was a medical device, then would escort me around the metal detectors to avoid shutting off my device, then straight to a pat down. My favourite reaction was after explaining to a fellow Realtor my 3 year headache and how the surgery works. All she could ask was “How on earth are you smiling?”. I actually get that question a lot when people meet me and then later find out about my condition. There is a long, sappy, pseudo-philosophical answer to that, which I may some day write about, but usually I’ll just smile and jokingly say “Drugs”.

In the end there was one irrefutable fact: The pain in the back of my head was gone.

My headache, which I have named Bob, consists of 4 primary pain points. One in the back of my head (30% of the pain), one on the top of my head (10%) and two on my forehead (60%). The surgery currently only works for the back of my head as I’m told leads toward the front are untested so far. However that 30% on the back is completely gone as long as the pulses are going.

Holy crap, I found a good diagram of my pain points! What are the odds?

Holy crap, I found a good diagram of my pain points! What are the odds?

So am I pain free? Not by a long shot. I still have to avoid all my usual triggers lest I go practically blind, and am still on pain medications. I have no doubts Bob’s lease on my head is a long term one. Is the hassle of having wires implanted into your head worth it? Oh dear Gods yes.

Today I had the trial device removed which was a simple procedure that took under 10 minutes. I’m just left with a small hole in the back of my head which I’m told I can take the bandage off in 48 hours. I haven’t been given any kind of timeline, but with the success of this trial, somewhere down the road they will move forward with the sub-dermal implant and battery installation. And quite frankly, I can hardly wait. Within minutes of the device removal Bob was back at pestering the back of my skull as if he never even left. I also miss the fact that if I turned my head just the right way it felt like a really excellent head massage.

All in all I count my week as a cyborg as a success, and a great experience. Once again I realized just how incredible my family and friends are with all their support, well wishes, and putting up with my crazy cyborg oddities. I also learned how incredible my clients are. I don’t think I’ve ever had as caring and supportive client base as I have since joining real estate. I had just wanted to keep them informed that I was going to be out for 2 days and let them know they could contact my teammates in case of an emergency. What I got in response was overwhelming support. Clients reached out to me with everything from get well messages, instructions on taking it easy when I was trying to work the day after surgery, to sending me texts with pictures of flowers wishing me luck with the procedure, or giving me coffee cards to get me back on my feet. One client/friend even sent a get well card to my office with a list of questions to ask a cyborg, along with a gift card to my favourite hair salon since he knew my head was getting shaved.

OK, so I promised myself I wouldn’t get sappy in this post, but I’ll wrap it up with this: You’re all freaking awesome. You all give me faith in humanity, which gives me the strength to suppress the robot urges to wipe out the human race.